The Teacher and Pupil joke page

This page is dedicated to jokes about teachers and pupils. If you'd like to submit one for inclusion, send it to me at cgallow@qed.uk.com

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Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her infant pupils put on his boots? 

Even with her pulling, and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on. Finally, when the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat. 

She almost cried when the little boy said, 'Miss, they're on the wrong feet.' She looked, and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. 

She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the right feet. He then announced, 'These aren't my boots.'

She bit her tongue ... once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet. 

No sooner had they got the boots off when he said, 'They're my brother's boots. My Mum made me wear them.' 

Now she didn't know whether to laugh or cry. She mustered the little patience she had left, and wrestled the boots onto his feet again. Helping him into his coat, she asked, 'Now, where are your mittens?' 

He said, 'I stuffed them in the toes of my boots.'
 

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When I die, I want to go peacefully in my sleep like my Grandad did . . .  not screaming like the passengers in his car.

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A teacher talking to her class about stuttering and a little girl raises her hand: 'I had a cat who stuttered.'

The teacher, knowing how 'precious' some of these stories can be, asked the girl to tell the class more.

'Well', she began, 'I was in the back yard with my little kitten and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our garden!'

'That must've been scary,' said the teacher.

'It was,' said the little girl. 'My little kitten raised her back, went "sssss ... sssss ... sssss" and before she could say 'Shit!', the Rottweiler ate her.
 

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"Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?" (George W Bush)

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"It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens." (Woody Allen)

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Thanks to Marg for this

 

'Mum, the cat's dead!'
'No. I don’t think so … what makes you think it’s dead?'
'Well, I pissed in its ear and it didn't move.'
'YOU DID WHAT????'
'I went to the cat and went pssssst in its ear and it didn't move.'

 

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Thanks to Hannah for sending this ...

 

All of these were taken from real school exam papers.

The reason we have no plague in Britain today is because we have a cure, rats are not popular, and all the people are sterile.

  1. How can people conserve the environment?
  2. Shoot trespassers.

Magellan circumcised the world in his 40-foot chopper.

  1. What is migration?
  2. It is a headache birds get when they fly south for winter.
  1. State one change in boys at puberty?
  2. Their vice deepens.

‘Exams do put enormus stains on you.’

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Here are some interesting quotes from the President of the United States sent in by Graham who points out, that among other things, George had a rubbish geography teacher at school. (I suppose I have to thank George W. for these).

"The vast majority of our imports come from outside the country."

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."

"We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe."

"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls."  

 
"For NASA, space is still a high priority."

"Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our
children."

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities
in our air and water that are doing it."

"It's time for the human race to enter the solar system."
 

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'Dad … where do I come from?'
Dad pauses, takes a deep breath, and gives a lengthy explanation about the birds and the bees.
Child looks perplexed and says: 'No, Dad, where was I born?'

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A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."


The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."


Without looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

 

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Thank you to Maggie for this.

Two tourists were driving through Wales.

At Llanhyfryddawelllehynafolybaarcudprindanfygythiadtrienusyrhafnauole, they stopped for lunch and one tourist asked the waitress: "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are ... very slowly?"

 The waitress leaned over and said: "Burrr-gurrr Kinngg ..."

 

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Thank you to Chris for sending these in. They are comments once made about him by his teachers.

My mathematics teacher wrote - "If ignorance is bliss then young Christopher is in for a life of undiluted bliss."
 

On another occasion the same teacher, wrote - "The propensity of Christopher to project himself into another world is unlikely to help him master the geography of this one."

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Teacher: Billy, make up a sentence using the letter 'I'.

Billy: I is . . .

Teacher: No, Billy. In English we never use 'I is' ... it's always 'I am'. Try again.

Billy: I am the 9th letter of the alphabet.

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Thank you to the individual who sent in these Newspaper Headlines

"Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half"

"Sex Education Delayed. Teachers Request Training"

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I love this. Thanks to MJ for sending this in.

According to a report in the Manchester Evening News, a certain school in South Manchester was recently faced with a unique problem.

A number of girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the toilet mirrors. That was fine, but after they had put on the lipstick they would press their lips onto the mirrors leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night, the janitor would remove the lipstick stains, but the next day the girls would put them back on the mirrors.

Finally the Head decided that something must be done, so she called the girls into the toilets and introduced the janitor to them. She explained that all these lipstick prints were causing a major problem for the janitor who had to clean the mirrors every evening.

To demonstrate how difficult it was, she asked the janitor the show the girls his method of cleaning the mirror. He took a long handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet and cleaned down the mirrors. Since then, there have been no lipstick prints or stains on the mirrors.

The moral here is: There are TEACHERS and then there are EDUCATORS.
 

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PG, a Groucho Marx fan, sent this in. It's not strictly about teachers or students ... but about knowledge ... well, sort of ...

 

"Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know." (Groucho Marx)
 

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